Like an Addiction

Today has been very hard. I kept waking up in the night which sucks because my son slept for 10 hours. All that sleep wasn't enough to make him cheerful. He was still tired, and consequently he was very cranky. He fought his medicines. He screamed so I took him outside to calm him because I didn't want to wake every person in the house. Giving him a bottle was unsuccessful in getting him to sleep. He would start crunching and then grind his teeth loudly. It became apparent that the culprit was teething; pain from the cutting tooth and gas because of teething. I gave him Tylenol and naturally he screamed some more as I gave it to him. I don't know why he hates it so.

After Jake woke up, we decided to take our boy and my sister to the local farmers market and then to Cracker Barrel for breakfast. He was actually really well behaved while we were out and took on 45-minute nap when we returned home. This is when the trouble started for me...

This afternoon my fingers kept travelling to my face. I could feel little pimples in various areas. When I would go to the restroom I would see them. I started spending more time in the bathroom. I'd look at my face closely in the mirror and hunt for pimples and blackheads. I wouldn't pop them, but I really wanted to. I'd mimic popping them in the hope that it would quell the urge. That didn't happen though. It backfired. Instead I'd sit in a chair and touch my face while watching soccer with my husband. I contemplated picking at one pimple, just one. That wouldn't hurt anything, right. I felt like an alcoholic sitting at a bar, staring at a beer and saying to myself, "I'll just have one. Only one. That's not going to hurt anything. Just one glass." All the while knowing that one beer will turn into three, then six and the next thing I'll know is someone will be picking my drunk ass off the floor.

That image kept coming to my mind as I thought seriously about just going ahead and picking a little. It was hard not to do it. Even now I can't in good conscience say I behaved myself. I messed with the bump on my arm that's healing from the big zit that was there. I didn't mess with it long. It was one good squeeze, but it means I cheated. Honestly I do feel bad about it, but I can't let one slip up ruin everything. I can still progress forward. I'll think of this as a learning experience and grow stronger from it.