Just some jabbering

I'm keeping busy with things. Mostly cooking or baking related. I baked that loaf of bread and plan on baking at least a loaf a week. Well, actually two because I want to make a loaf for my awesome friend and her boyfriend. They have been such a huge to help us. I seriously don't know how we would have gotten through all that cancer shit without them and their love.

I've decided to keep on baking. Tomorrow morning I'm going to try my hand at biscuits. I'll let you all know how it goes. In a couple days I'm going to bake some cookies. I'm thinking peanut butter cookies and adding chocolate chips to them. Mmmmm.

I'm not only baking though. I have been cooking too. I am making an effort to make breakfast for myself and Jake a few days a week and I also cook a couple meals a week. It's only a couple because I like to make something big that can last is for a few days. It makes life a bit easier and it's great because some days life is too hard and I've got nothing left in me. I plan on updating my food blog soon with the dish I made last night.

So I'm gonna keep on being busy because I am happier when I'm productive and I guess you can say creative. Oh, I practiced some music yesterday. I tuned my guitar and ukulele and played a little on my tin whistle. It was a lot of fun.

Productivity is the key!

My mood had dipped very low in recent weeks. I could hardly move. I was floating in a sea of depression in the dark, by myself. I could hardly move. Some changes were made that helped a little but what really seemed to light up the darkness was when I decided to bake a loaf of bread. While the dough was rising I finished the laundry and cleaned up the kitchen. It was like a spark. The light flashed on and I started to swim to safer waters. I was happy and humming while I got the bread in the pan and let it rise a second time. It took so long for me to realize that sitting and giving in to the negative voices was only making them stronger. Usually I would have berated myself for not realizing this soon but instead I looked at the positives. I know now and that I what is important. It's like when people say the first step to recovery is acknowledging you have a problem.

Now I think about what I can make next. What new thing I can try. I should mention that was my first loaf of bread AND it was delicious. Next on the docket to try is biscuits. I'm feeling so much better. Occasionally I feel those negative thoughts but I think about baking or cooking and they voices fade into the background as I imagine the steps.

The End of an Era

So much has changed in my life. As you all know we moved to Dallas a little over a year ago. I was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer in November 2015. 24 rounds of chemo and a bilateral mastectomy has happened and I'm nearing the end of my radiation. I've discovered that I had two biologically different cancers in my breast. My cancer is considered high risk so while I'll soon be cured I'll have to stay on a medication for ten years and see my oncologist regularly to make sure it doesn't come back.

This journey has also brought me to realizations. I realized I needed help with my mental illness. I never thought I had it bad enough to seek help, but after finally breaking down and seeing a therapist I've come to realize that it was indeed bad for me. I truly hated myself. I despised me. My therapist has helped me see my worth. I need to take meds now but a low dose. I feel more productive now. I'm taking steps to get healthy again. I'm starting to walk and will get back into running. I've started cooking and now have another blog that will be dedicated to my journey and I'll have guests contributing.

The biggest thing for me is finding myself and finding my happy me. After much deliberation I have decided that I must break away from Facebook. At first I thought I'd just cut back to once a week but I'm not good with moderation. I get sucked in. I can't separate myself from the pain, anger and sadness that I see there. Lately it's grown due to the tragedies that have happened in the world. I can't have a happy me with everything. My focus goes to everything else and I have nothing left for me after I give the last bits to my family and home. So this era of Facebook must end. I'll keep up on my Instagram occasionally and you can find me here or on my other blog (myadventuresincooking.com). Please follow them both. I'd love to hear from you. Many of you also know how else to contact me.

Much love to you. My FB will remain active for a week or so, so my friends can get what they need from me and see this. After that time passes it will go away and I won't reactive it. I may keep messenger active but I've not decided yet. Thank you all for sharing your lives with me. ❤❤❤