Mysterious Void

Life works in mysterious ways. My last blog was pathetic sounding and kind of embarrassing. Just goes to show that one should not drink and blog angry. Shortly after I wrote the blog, I did some soul searching. I looked deep within myself and found my inner peace. I also found acceptance. Things were running smoothly. I attended an orientation at the University of Central Florida and registered for my classes. Walking around campus was invigorating and I couldn't wait to start! In my euphoria I wrote a poem. The poem mentioned that I was finally ready to wait for motherhood. The next week I took my final exams and graduated on the President's list at school. Another 4.0 was achieved! I was so proud of myself. However, something was different... My breasts were sore and tender, I was tired and occasionally nauseated. According to my period tracker I was almost a week late. I didn't pay much attention to that because I've been late before and felt nauseated before, and the only thing that came out of it was a negative test. But I had never been THIS late in my cycle before, so on December 15th I took a test to ease my worried mind. Immediately the horizontal blue line came up. I convinced myself to put down the test and let it "simmer" in peace, but as I set the test down I saw the perpendicular line pop up just as quickly as the other line.

At first my heart stopped. Visions of my mother looking disappointed and telling me to "take care of it" flooded through my head. The thing was, I didn't want to take care of it. I finished getting ready for my day. Asking my uterus and growing embryo "Why now?" I was unsure if I should tell my husband when I got out of the bathroom or if I should wait until I got home that afternoon. Jake made the decision for me. The moment I exited the bathroom I heard his tired voice croak, "Did you take the test?"
"Yes."
"Well?" He inquired.
"It showed a plus sign."
"What does that mean?"
I looked at him in disbelief. How could a math nerd not equate a plus sign as positive. I thought maybe he hadn't heard me.
"The test had a plus sign on it."
Again he asked "What does that mean?"
"It means I'm pregnant." I whispered.
I wasn't sure if I wanted to cry or not. I told him my fear. He sat up and hugged me. "This is what you had wanted." He said as he rubbed my back. "Take the day to decided what YOU want to do and don't let anyone else sway your decision. We've said before that we could make it work and I know that we can."

It didn't seem like the news had sunk in for him. He kissed me goodbye and went back to bed. I left for school. On the drive to school, however, worried morphed into joy. My furrowed brow changed to a growing grin and then to a full on smile. We were going to have a baby. When I got home we discussed waiting until Christmas to tell our families. It sounded like the best idea and it was. On Christmas Eve we had my parents open up an early gift. We bought them shirts. My father's shirt said "This is was an awesome grandpa looks like" and my mother's said "Many a child has been spoiled because you can't spank grandma!" We videotaped the event. Everyone was/is pleased. My husband is very excited about being a dad and is in the process of looking up the technology for a baby cam. He wants to be able to watch the baby on his phone when he is at work/school. I'm all set up for my first appointment with my midwife tomorrow. I sent in all my paperwork for Medicaid. Now the waiting game... Sure, the time is not perfect. But I don't think there is ever a perfect time. The void through me a bone and now I will make the best of it. Now I just need to be better about actually updating my blog. I'm off to bed now. I feel so tired... Goodnight friends! Goodnight void... and thank you.