Motherhood is the one thing I wish to attain. For years I have fought off baby hunger with a stick and suppressed those feelings. One might ask why and the reason is simple. It is just not time. While I can hold these feelings at bay, they visit me more often than before. Haunting my dreams and straying into my wakeful thoughts. Since I feel this way, I notice babies or pregnancies everywhere I turn. Around one corner I’ll see a tiny angel with chubby cheeks and wispy hair who is chewing away at its fist. A few corners later and I’ll find myself face to face with a gorgeous woman bearing a swelling belly. Pregnancy is such a beautiful and fascinating thing. I want to experience it. However, I cannot deviate from the plan. Only two more years of waiting, but at times those two years feel so far away. Sometimes I will hear a little whisper in the back of my head that constantly loops “We could make it work, we could make it work.” For a few minutes I will allow myself to day dream about making it work, but the nightmares soon follow. I have haunting dreams of a happy and healthy baby, diaperless in my arms, who giggles while I run around the house frantically looking for a diaper. No one is around to help me. The dream can only mean one thing. We could have a happy and healthy baby now, but we won’t be able to give it everything it will need. Not yet anyway.
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