Today I'm really going to open up and expose myself. It will be hard for me to share this publicly, but it will hopefully be therapeutic.
I feel like I'm a terrible mother. I know a few mothers who also have children with special needs and they're so strong, so elegant. I don't feel that way. Some days I feel like I don't deserve to have my son in my life because those days I fear I'm not strong enough. What kind of mother wishes there had been a different outcome or wishes her child could change and be "normal"?
I am sometimes that mother, and I've been that mother a lot lately. There are days my boy is so strong and works really hard and holds his head. But there are days he refuses to do any therapy exercises or he'll be in his carseat with his head flopped forward or sideways like he has no muscle at all. Those days are hard. I feel he's stuck and he'll never improve, that he'll never hold his head which means he'll never sit unassisted or crawl or walk... I'm losing hope.
Before he was born I had all these visions of the future. A child running around with a soccer ball, wrestling with Uncle, Grandpa or Dad. After he was born those visions were stronger because he was physically here. Then six months later everything changed when the problems started. Now I mourn them and fear they're lost forever. Tears sting my eyes often.
Last night I sat in bed and cried. I cried for the unknown. I cried for him. I cried for myself... I kept asking why. Why can't things be different? Why can't you (my son) be stronger/normal? I wish you were running around and getting into trouble. Then finally, why can't you (myself) be strong? I woke feeling terrible. Currently I'm holding him while he sleeps, wishing to snuggle the feeling away. However, in the back of my mind all I hear is, "You're a terrible mother."
Maybe all this is jumbled and makes no sense to you. Maybe I haven't expressed my feelings well. I just know, or rather feel, I'm not a good enough mother, that my son deserves better.
Bethany,
ReplyDeleteWe all have our moments. We can't be strong all the time, it never works, it always causes us to be exhausted. I think you are a terrific mother, there are some many women who would have given up way before now.
I don't know how it is to be a mom to a special needs child, but I do know how hard it is to cope with multiple chronic illnesses that will never get better and most likley with take my life early. You need to cry more, stop trying to be "the strong person". Let people help you. Take an opprotunity to start knitting for you if you are passionate about it. Take time for you everyday, even if it is only a 30 min power nap to refresh. It is ok, no one can be strong all the time it's too damn hard, and quite impossible. Just try to be better everyday!
Miss you so much, hope the encouragement helps!