Lonely

This blog will be short. I am a woman who is not ready to accept life. I made my choices. I chose to wait and take a break from school. Now I am at a point where I have to come to terms with the fact that at this moment. I will have to wait longer for the things I want now. I want to be a mother. I want to carry a human being and deliver said human into this world. However, I fear some days that I will not get that chance. By the time I finish school and start teaching, the chances of conceiving will only get drastically smaller. I know that I must just come to terms with what life has dealt me, but I am pissed off at life right now. I am just here... And I am fucking TRYING to come to terms with it.

Just for Fun

I wrote this for my English Composition 2 class. I am kind of proud of it and wanted to share it here.

Motherhood is the one thing I wish to attain. For years I have fought off baby hunger with a stick and suppressed those feelings. One might ask why and the reason is simple. It is just not time. While I can hold these feelings at bay, they visit me more often than before. Haunting my dreams and straying into my wakeful thoughts. Since I feel this way, I notice babies or pregnancies everywhere I turn. Around one corner I’ll see a tiny angel with chubby cheeks and wispy hair who is chewing away at its fist. A few corners later and I’ll find myself face to face with a gorgeous woman bearing a swelling belly. Pregnancy is such a beautiful and fascinating thing. I want to experience it. However, I cannot deviate from the plan. Only two more years of waiting, but at times those two years feel so far away. Sometimes I will hear a little whisper in the back of my head that constantly loops “We could make it work, we could make it work.” For a few minutes I will allow myself to day dream about making it work, but the nightmares soon follow. I have haunting dreams of a happy and healthy baby, diaperless in my arms, who giggles while I run around the house frantically looking for a diaper. No one is around to help me. The dream can only mean one thing. We could have a happy and healthy baby now, but we won’t be able to give it everything it will need. Not yet anyway.

Let's Talk About Sex

Sex is such a delicate issue. In some ways I feel it's even more delicate when it comes to many of us women. Why are we so scared to talk about it even when we're really enjoying it? I'm currently reading the book What's Up Down There? By Lissa Rankin M.D. I'm in the middle of the orgasm chapter. This book has caused me to look at my own experiences. Before I was with my husband, I had never experienced an orgasm. I didn't particularly understand why people had sex. I figured that it was just something that you did when you were in a relationship. When I first had sex with Jake, my hubby of five years, sex didn't feel like a chore. It was kind of pleasurable even. However, I just couldn't let go. I felt really guarded. In time I started to let go, but all my toe curling moments were more like "mini" ones. I honestly cannot remember when it was that I actually experienced a full blown orgasm, but I remember that I still wasn't crazy about sex.

I mean, I really enjoyed it, but I was never in the mood. There would be some weeks when we had sex more than once a week, but there were weeks when we would not have sex at all. It was aggravating to me. I felt so bad that I just didn't feel like it. Luckily that changed after I turned 25. Honestly, I was a ways into 25. It was after I was denied birth control that the animal that is my sexual desire began to stir and awaken. Guess what, she is very hungry. Now I get it. Now I understand why people like to have sex. Gone are the weeks of no sex. I'm selfish now. I don't like to curl my toes just once. No, now I want to shiver at LEAST three times. Hello world! This goddess is feeling good and here to stay!

Some Laughter and Some Wallowing

There are many benefits to going back to school. One of my favorites is hearing somebody say something kind of stupid. Here is an example of one such gem that I overheard in my math class last week:

Lady A: I don't know, I just didn't believe that most of the stuff would ever happen to a person. I think it was more of a fiction than a nonfiction.

Lady B: You should have taken the class last year. We read this great story about a man who was trying to win a race.

Lady A: Oh, yeah? What was it about?

Lady B: A man who is trying to win a race.

Lady A: Well, I got that much. What kind of a race?

Lady B: Oh, you know, I can't remember what it's called, but it's, like, up in Alaska and they use dogs.

Lady A: Oh, bobsledding.

Lady B: I don't know that that's the name, but it's similar to bobsledding.

Hee hee. After that they started talking about The Road. The description of the book by Lady A was "They're, like, trying to get to Florida and there's this white stuff that keeps falling from the sky." She followed that by saying that she really liked the movie and then she and Lady B started to argue over which actress played The Woman in the movie. I totally got a kick out of that one.

Despite the laughter I come by at school, I still have days where I miss Utah. Not so much the place, the air there or the politics, but I miss my friends like I cannot imagine. I go through phases where all I want to do is call one of them up and say, "Hey, let's meet up for coffee, or knitting. Hell, let's go have a beer." But I can't. I'm just left with the reminder that I don't know very many people here with similar interests to mine. It makes me feel a little lost. I went to a great show last night and there were a few women there that I could tell were good friends. They were dancing, laughing and drinking some wine. I cursed my shyness because I couldn't work up the courage to walk over there and start talking to them. I suppose that is a resolution I should have added to my list, huh? Quit being such a baby and go talk to people! LOL It's a bit late for that now though. For now, I will venture inside my own head and find some inner peace, my zen. Explore the Void a bit.